I Love Money versus G’s To Gents
In his explanation of the Communist ideology’s suggestion of the elimination of all major religions, Karl Marx justifies these limitations with the quote “Die Religion ... ist das Opium des Volkes,” or to those not familiar with Romantic-era German, “Religion is the opiate of the people.”1 Apparently he never caught an episode of Tila Tequila.
Reality television is ubiquitous. I hate the crap, and yet I still have three reality shows that I watch with a vigor that is shameless. But, much like the religion in Mr. I’m-too-good-for-capitalism’s quote, reality television is characterized by two things- the cheap thrill of the product and the addictiveness of said thrill. While watching this sludge isn’t necessarily bad in of itself, it does deter one from some of television’s denser, better selections, much like that bag of Ruffles when checking out at the 7-11 might dissuade you from having to sit down and taking the time to order a steak dinner. This becomes especially clear when it comes to repeat viewings: to prove how backwards this all is, I have seen this clip about 250 times more than this one. But, in all fairness, I rarely have the time or the needed focus to invest an hour in watching a drama-drenched indictment on America, particularly when Gordon Ramsey is about to shit a brick. Fortunately my arrogance has lead me to divide Reality Shows into two categories: competition and lifestyle- this is solely so I can call one “subtly relevant”2 and the other “why terrorists hate America.”
Lifestyle shows are just as they are titled, little windows into the “lives” of somebody (ies). Typically these shows are based around a celebrity, like the unfathomably depressing The Two Coreys or the no-adverb-needed lameness of Run’s House. Currently, The Hills is the leader of this pack, something incomprehensible, like how people can like the Dallas Cowboys, the Dave Matthews Band, or Tyler Perry. The show, centered around the livlihoods of three eccentric siblings, deals with their tireless trying to stick together after the patriarch is incarcerated for… oh wait, that’s Arrested Development, one of the best shows of all time. The Hills, on the other hand, proves two things: first, for some reason, people will find you more interesting if you are attractive3 although the opposite is typically the case, and secondly, this show actually might prove the opening quote of this article because The Hills systemically proves that there is no God. If there was, wouldn’t Bernie Mac still be alive and all of these mouth-breathers picking condoms out of the water at the water treatment plant?
Competition reality shows, on the other hand, are my jam. Whereas The Hills just shows you why my generation will be the one where China becomes the world’s super-power, shows like Flavor of Love and America’s Next Top Model actually show these imbeciles competing with one another. Due to this competition, as well as the desperate nature of the contestants, we see quickly how bad people can be to one another, which provides many hours of laughter. People on shows like The Hills try to show these socialites as gorgeous, innocuously flawed people- in reality, L.A. is made up of a lot more Buckeeys and Heats, and seeing terrible people treat each other terribly kind of gives these shows the air of a Chekhov play. The two current kings of the schadenfreude television industry are VH1’s I Love Money and MTV’s From G’s to Gents. If you haven’t been watching these shows, I give fair warning- the remainder of the article is sagging with spoilers.
Premise: Although my convoluted rhetoric may suggest otherwise, I am actually a huge fan of simplicity, and in terms of titular straightforwardness, I Love Money is the The Godfather of reality television. The show takes some of the more memorable characters from VH1’s “ode to birth control” series (Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, and I Love New York), hoses them down to get that post Tiki Bob’s4 stank off of them, and suits them all with push-up bras, hair gel, and clothing that can show off those awesome barber-wire and lower-back tattoos. The show takes away the absurd suggestion that people actually want to have a lasting relationship with Flavor Flav, Bret Michaels, or New York, and proposes to the viewer that hey, maybe some of these people solely came onto the show for monetary gain more than trying to have cringe-inducing make-out sessions with this man. To win these elusive monies, the characters all have to engage in competitions ranging from spitting for distance to who can throw a tomahawk in a mannequin’s back (I know, I know). Add in a fair amount of lying, alliances, Megan, cheap spirits, and the great country of Mexico, and all I have to say is that my Sunday nights at nine o’clock are spoken for.
If I Love Money takes a “we know these people are shallow tools, might as well watch them crawl for money” approach to reality television, From Gs to Gents takes a far different approach based entirely on the egotism of Jamie Foxx5 and Farmsworth Bentley6. These two well regarded (I guess? Don’t really follow the hip hop scene) men have decided to take their reputation as two clean-cut African American gentleman (hence the “gents” part of the title) to help current ‘Gs,’ which for all you white people means ‘gangsta7,’ change their thuggish ways. For the reformed ‘g’ who performs well enough to dodge the ebony spheres and cruel wrath of Bentley, can look forward to becoming a member of the undefined “gentleman’s club.” Oh, and some big cash prize, the only reason any of these Master P Wanttobe Ps even act like they are faintly interested. The show, unlike I Love Money, did not have an established character base, which remained a problem for roughly 20 minutes before my man Pretty Ricky hit the scene and escalated this show into the national conscience. Much like I Love Money, the contestants range from the utterly pathetic to the remarkably stupid, as the audience must go on the roller-coaster that is life in a rented- MTV house.
While both shows’ strength come from its execution more than the premise itself, I have to say From G’s To Gents wins this round because of the laughably weak attempt to suggest that they aren’t merely exploiting these assholes, but rather they are trying to help them make positive change to live an achieving life. While many times better than the show it imitates, I Love Money is a shameless rip-off of MTV’s Road Rule/ Real World Gauntlet series, and this lack of innovation leads to a narrow loss this round.
Characters: I Love Money
1. Mr. Boston- Originally from I Love New York, Mr. Boston proves that the people Martin Lawrence and Katt Williams base their “white guy” voice on actually does exist. Mr. Boston, with his odd affinity for g-string underwear, desire to get into near fatal altercations with some of the other housemates, and vocal eloquence of Gilbert Gottfried proves that no matter how bad your erectile dysfunction or addiction to crystal meth, you are in fact better than somebody. His expulsion from I Love Money so early in the season lead to at least one of my roommates to stop watching immediately. Favorite moment: Although this is from I Love New York, it remains one of my favorite groups of images.
2. Chance- Also from the first season of I Love New York, Chance is the yin to Mr. Boston’s yang, or as he would probably put it, ‘wang.’ Chance is the lead singer, muscle, spiritual advisor, caterer, key grip, body oil applicator, and general carpenter of the Stallionaires, the finest R & B/ comedy troupe to come out of a mid-summer basic-cable match-making show whose only contribution to society was the discovery of at least fourteen different venereal diseases. Chance, along with his ‘alliance’ of Real and Whiteboy, is impossible not to watch. Whether it be his tireless shit-talking to people, refusal to take off his head band, or very innocent love of horses (hence the group name), Chance has the ability to be the catalyst in the middle of an awkward situation, as well as be the spitter of Eugene O’ Neill-esque word-play to properly comment on past transgressions. While he may be gone for now, I have the feeling Chance of Love would be a hit of epic proportions. Favorite moment: Not from I Love Money, but a diss rap about Tango, the man who stole New York’s love in the first I Love New York.
3. Midget Mac- If Mr. Boston is sort of funny for the focus of an episode, and Chance would be great for a season of his own show, Midget Mac should be given his own sort of medium- some sort of holographic device so that he could be crawl around you at all times and spurt his impossible to decipher Northern-People-Probably-Think-This-Is-How-Southern-People-Talk accent. Midget Mac, who is in fact a midget with a heart of gold and a liver of a 80 pound mammal, is without doubt the best creation of Reality television8. In his one episode appearance on I Love Money, Midget Mac got hammered, refused to participate in the episode’s challenge because he “ain’t wearing no panties,” terrified every air-head white girl there with his Budget BET Leprechaun movie look, and told another contestant “I got more money than you and your motherfucking kid.” I’m pretty sure this is why Edison envisioned the moving image. Favorite moment: Midget Mac clips are somewhat rare because of his usually quick exit from the shows he appears on, but this is pretty classic (listen particularly to the background voices).
From G’s to Gents- The most noticeable problem with From G’s To Gents is that most of the characters come across the exact same. It is obvious they all fit MTV’s (a company owned by global, multi-billion dollar company) definition of “g,” but as a consequence, the extent of the crap-talking is pretty basic. Nonetheless, I found three:
1. Stan- Stan is an ex-stripper and possible gigolo, who felt compelled to come to the show because he was trying to better himself and stop objec…. uh fuck it, he even said “I just want to make $100,000 without having to take my clothes off.” This does sound all well and good, until a tirade discussing how he has a Hummer, Lexus, and a house all paid for due to his exquisite man-whoring skills makes the questioning audience member wonder about Stan’s intentions. This is about as varied as From G’s to Gents gets.
2. Creepa- While most of these guys on the show do give the appearance of somebody you wouldn’t really want to see on a dark street corner in the city, at first I actually felt a little uncomfortable looking Creepa in his eyes on TV. He just gives me this sort of paranoid sensation that he could just look at me from inside the television and say something like “Nick, I’m going to get you, and I’m going to kiss you before I strangle you. Love, Creepa,” as if he were some blind person’s representation of a ghetto Freddy Kruger. Creepa, whose occupation is “goon,” or “paid to intimidate,” comes across as your stereotypical South Florida thug. From his gumball-machine grill to his eclipse viewers which he so urbanly refers to as “hater blockers,” the more I see of Creepa, the more I am starting to think he is actually fresh out of Julliard, watched a season of Oz, and figured this was as good a way as any to get into the business. Nonetheless, his choking technique was outstanding.
3. T Jones- If I were to actually hang out with any of these brainiacs, one would not have to look much further than T Jones. First, that is also the nickname of Thomas Jones, a personal favorite football player. Secondly, he is fat, goofy, and laid-back, so I wouldn’t be afraid of him abruptly trying to rip me off or kick my ass (thank you Cee). Thirdly, he has worked at every major fast food restaurant in Greater Detroit- not exactly common ground between us, but you know that man has seen some events unfold in front of his eyes while closing up White Castle. Fourthly, he is unemployed, which I too have been at points in time. Fifthly, he loves alcohol almost to a fault, which sounds exactly like me. And, finally, I’d hope that after he wins the contest (my prediction) that me and him could go to the gas station and buy 20,000 $5 scratch-off lottery tickets. First you get the money, then you get the “Five Ways to Win,” and then, and only then, do you get the women.
All things considered, the variety offered on I Love Money is simply too great.
Let’s Fight! Unsurprisingly, both of these shows share a producer, and much of the humor is derived from the editing process, so it comes down to a question of what I like more: a television show that embarrasses people on MTV or VH1. While G’s to Gents is a show worth every second of your attention, the parts that try to emphasize making these men into “gentlemen” are just too much. Sure, a gentleman needs to know how to make wise economic decisions and how to talk properly to the fairer sex- but if the point of this show is to make them a success, let’s first focus on getting the grills off their teeth, teaching them how to speak properly, and then maybe pursuing some GEDs, naval enlistments, or for the savvy, ECPI classes. I don’t know much about success, but that seems to a more solid plan of attack then assume you will find the right person to hustle at the right time. I Love Money, however, is relentless on showing what the desperate will do for some green- and it works, especially considering the contestants were the ones spouting about “alliances” since day one (newsflash: only one person can win- take a note from Royal Tenenbaum). I Love Money wins because it does not have a forced, inflated view of what it is, although don’t tell Creepa- that dude would wear my backbone as a necktie.
1 Clueless as to how this lead to Stalin killing millions of people
2 In other words, I want this to be more meaningful than it really is
3 And God knows Audrina is attractive- look up the nude photos on your own watch, I’m at work
4 This is a club in Richmond where a lot of these American treasures come and “perform” or whatever you want to call it. Essentially they get paid about $500 a night to go be ridiculed by people who think they are so lame that they bought a ticket to see them
5 Who, I think, is the only Oscar winner to be in both Stealth and Booty Call
6 Not real name, Sorry
7 Sorry, no ‘er’ in the word
8 I acknowledge that isn’t too great of a feat- all he had to do was beat out “You’re Fired,” the time Vern Troyer got bombed on Surreal Life, and when Sebastian Bach beat the crap out of Evan Sheffield
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