Versus Number Thirteen

Quantum of Solace Versus Twilight

This article is not what you think- it is not some bizarre diatribe about the connection between vampires and British secret service agents; the intricacies of British versus American film; a comparison of two of the Holiday season's biggest properties.

Nope, not about that at all. I did see Quantum of Solace, which made me reevaluate everything in my life because I finally found out what the word "mediocre" means. I have seen the ravenous crowds of females waiting to see a vampire bone a lonely chick. But this isn't even about the movie's themselves.

This is simply about me sitting in my little shitty cubicle, listening to two women, one a heavy 35 year old woman who makes an effort with me by bringing up football and another, heavier, more 40ish woman who screams at her kids daily, discussing these two films. No, that is misleading. They are discussing certain aspects of the two films. In terms of the new Bond, I have heard these two women speak of Daniel Craig's abs as though they are two heavier pot-head MidWesterners about to go into a all you can eat Baked Potato Bar. If that simile sounds a little peculiar, it might have something to do with the fact that both are eating baked potatoes that resemble saturated fat volcanoes, barely being able to get words in between bacon bits in teeth and diet cokes swilled.

In regards to Twilight, both agree that the movie is fantastic. That the books too were fantastic. I haven't read any of the vampi-philiac works, and while I am sure I would find endless depth in their Pychon-esque passages, I will not read those books because I already have enough enemies- I don't need to hate myself as well. The heavier lady gives a certain gasp at the mention of the main actor's name- it resembles the sound that is emitted over the speakers when Martin calls Pam a dog in Martin. I contemplate two things- (1) how bad I feel for having such a strong reaction to this awful conversation and (2) why do fatter people wear tight fitting clothing. I think I just saw the heavier one's tattoo- it is a Chinese letter (guess where it is located)- the only appropriate definition of the character would be "nausea."

The younger one offers to take the two plates up and get some cookies from the break room. I expect for her to get chocolate chips because of the nutritional value of raisins in the oatmeal cookies, but she vouches to get both. I suppose the FUPA area on her pants needs a more spherical quality- do vampires like heavier girls?

After the alerting thump of my forehead popping off my desk, both look over at me with looks of "isn't that cute, a boy not wanting to hear about popular female culture." I smile half-heartedly, thinking how accurately I can throw my stapler. The decision- probably very poorly, as I had the strength to play baseball, just not the circular throwing motion that secretes the ideal amount of torque out of one's arm. After a quick recap of why Twilight was the better film but Quantum of Solace had more drippy-pants parts (admittedly my term, not theirs), I smile. The speaking stops. It might annoy me endlessly, but those two people, no matter what I may think of their physical appearance, just had an enjoyable conversation, a twenty minute little session where both felt connected by common interests even if the topic something I would call "mind shit." Both of these women cried when Obama won. Idealism is alive and well in America, ideas not so much.

But, like many, I can't have some full sense of happiness for these two women. I must stay at arm's lengths- the tips of my fingernails just barely grazing the cat-hair on their seasonal sweaters. For that, I have to say that Twilight wins, because I haven't seen that, and thus it makes me feel a little better to have less in common with these two women. Also, I find it hilarious that people find it interesting to have sex with vampires. Don't they know they are habitual P.E.s, and oh yeah, THEY FUCKING DRINK PEOPLE'S BLOOD.