Kids Versus Dogs
If there is one word that accurately captures my personality around all those things small and loud it is “curmudgeon.” With that said, one can quickly imagine I am not a big fan of either kids or dogs.
[Out of breath screaming about how a weird, heartless bastard I am? Alright, than we can continue]
Its not that I think I am somehow “above” all things young or canine. Although the abundance of chest-hair and cig in my mouth made it an awkward journey, I too was delivered from my mother’s womb. While most of them sit hazily in my dome due to years of recent substance abuse, I have memories of a pleasant childhood filled with hi-jinx, riff-raff, and up-to-no-goodness of all sorts. So why do I hate kids?
Before we pick that lock, I might as well talk about my relationship with dogs, “companions” that have been with me for an overwhelming majority of my twenty-five years. Of my eighteen years that I lived at home, we always had at least two dogs. Remember some of the shittier episodes of the shows on T.G.I.F. where the one adorable child’s dream was to get a puppy for Christmas? I could never relate to those because I was the exact opposite of that1. While there were certainly exceptions to the rule2, dogs too annoy the crap out of me- but why?
FAQs Concerning My Stance
1. So, do you just not like pets? I don’t think the problem is that I don’t like pets, it was just that I was overwhelmed while growing up with them. I’d say for at least seven years of my life we had on average seven pets. SEVEN. We didn’t live in rural fucking South Dakota or in a budget inner-city Zoo where German Shepherds are considered “Species of the world.” We lived in a modestly sized neighborhood whose typical resident was somewhere in between the age of Matlock and the Magna Carta. So, not only was our house literally getting ripped to shreds by these beasts, but when we’d take them on walks around the neighborhood, we’d get looks through thick monocles as though we were the type of clueless assholes that were running this country’s sense of modesty into the ground. And we had several dogs I did like, but I always appreciated cats more because they were just considerably lower-maintenance.
2. As a man who is a fan of cats surely you can tell me what a penis takes like? Fag. Good gay joke. Although I hate referencing this film when trying to explain my stance on anything, Meet the Parents addresses a lot of the things I consider when comparing the two most common domesticated animals. First, and I don’t give a shit if you claim otherwise by using a scientific survey or something as evidence, but cats are smarter. Cats don’t chase their own tails, dogs do. Dogs don’t have their own toiletry systems and etiquette, cats do. Given, there is something to be said about being able to be far more active with a dog than a cat3, but I loathe exercise as is- I can’t handle another exercise-related responsibility. Sure, cats do scratch, but a dog’s bite is substantially worse. I think my favorite thing about a cat is that it can keep itself occupied- all said, I guess it is a preference of low maintenance versus slobber.
3. How big of an asshole hates kids? A pretty thoughtless one. I fully understand that the youth is our future, that kids need to make plenty of mistakes to grow, blah blah blah blah. The fathers of Biblical times (even the “Father” Father) had it right- have your kid, and have the woman raise it until it is at an age where you can do somewhat enjoyable things with it. Not to mention, I don’t think I, or pretty much any male in between the ages of twenty and forty, have anything valuable to teach an infant. I watched and was involved in the raising of three cousins, and the only things they learned from me is playing video games is cool, doing bad shit behind your parents backs is cooler, and solving problems with violence is the coolest. Sure, kids with spaghetti on their face or a strong embrace around a Mickey Mouse stuffed animal are as adorable as a Panda Bear swimming in a cloud, but the other 99.9% of the time, most children acknowledge themselves as parasites and act accordingly.
4. Which do you like less dogs or babies? Well, I dislike them for pretty much the exact same reasons. Both are painfully loud- dogs with their barks and babies with their cries. How many times have you had an experience ruined by one of these sounds? Last year I was flying back from San Francisco and I was sitting in front of a Middle Eastern woman with her two children- neither of which could be silent for more than a second, thus demolishing any reverence one might have had for the quaintness and modesty of such a polarizing culture. Add this to the fact that the mother was yelling at these children the entire time in a foreign language, and I was quickly becoming the number one terrorist threat on the plane. In terms of barking, the amount of sleepless nights I have had due to a dog just yelping at car lights is staggering- with no exaggeration, I’d say at least two hundred.
Both need constant attention, but for dogs this seems like something they want and for kids its just something that is necessary. While at times rough-housing with a dog is a safe channel to getting aggression out, the shit stops being cute when you have a suit on about to go work, are in the middle of a film, or trying to be intimate. While they too crave attention, kids for the most part can pretty much hang out by themselves- it is just the chaos that ensues when one is left to his or her own devices. There is an anecdote that involves me as a child crashing my mother’s Corvette into a Little Caesar’s merely by playing around with the emergency break, but that is for another time. Dogs just come across as needy; while children obviously had needs as well, most aren’t quite as blatant when begging for it.
And then the filth- Oh God, the filth. I have seen a dog take a shit, take a big bite out of the shit, than proceed to rub its head into the foulest deeps of said shit. Obviously, dogs don’t know better- but as a human I do, and that shit is disgusting. But kids are just as heinous in this regard- when I was a toddler I used to crap myself like there was some sort of alchemist set in my Spider-Man drawers. On the plus side, however, most grow out of this phase, although some seem intrigued enough as to make it a career (see: Two Girls, One Cup). But that doesn’t justify anything- it just proves a point.
Probably the biggest gripe I have with the two, however, is life altering effect they have on their respective owner/ parent. I have gone to “dog parties” before and seen roughly ten people treat their dogs like they were fucking pharaohs. There are dogs, dogs, who have considerably higher annual grooming and nutritional costs than I do. If your life doesn’t considerably change when you have a child, you are doing something wrong- but it is still annoying to your friends when you brag about how your kid won a spelling bee or got a double in tee-ball. Guess what? Nobody gives a crapping crustacean if your kid can spell “paradigm,”4 and if he can’t hit the ball in tee-ball the only excuse is muscular dystrophy or mental impairment. And God forbid you ever criticize either a friend’s kid or dog, because in their mind you are indirectly criticizing them. People should not treat dogs like children or children like Gods.
So who wins this one? A pant-loaded, obnoxious Jonas Brothers-quoting tike in fifteen years can be a contributing, valuable part of society. In fifteen years, that precious puppy you have will most likely be dead. At least with kids you have something to look forward to.
1 That seems a little harsh- It’s not like I wanted to wake up to one of our pets vanished.
2 Notably my family’s Scottish Terrier named Rhett Butler (after Gone With the Wind) who was a complete bastard but in his twilight years would literally do nothing except nudge you for a slight tap and sit on our house’s central air-vent. For like weeks at a time. It’s like he finally became aware that if you are the pet of a loving household you practically have to do nothing except not violently attack or defecate on things.
3 Although, I shit you not, my mom did have a cat leash. This didn’t help my family’s reputation as “Crazy fucking rednecks who live on Oxford Circle.”
4 Although if the kid in question is ten or younger, that is pretty impressive.
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