As I am about to set upon “Academic Voyage 2: King Bong,” I have been casually searching for some art-work to set the mood for my new apartment- or at least subdue the sensation one might feel when seeing the abundance of chalk outlines and lack of natural light or dealing with the obtrusiveness of random shit sprawled across the floor. Seeing as I am going to be a grad student, a Dali print is a little out of my price range, and while I love Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, comic interpretations of the vast quantities of alcohol one can consume[1], and Brooke Burke just as much now as I did at nineteen, it is time for a change in direction.[2] The first one that came to mind pretty much sums up everything good in this world, but unfortunately I do not think exists as a real poster:
If your reaction right now is an odd combination of reverence, genuine terror, and beard envy, you can surely understand how the lack of this poster’s existence has sucked all the air right out of my sails.
The next idea I had was actually stolen from a classmate while at undergrad- the tongue-so-in-cheek-that-blood-is-erupting-out-of-your-face fantastically awful poster. His was of Lil’ Bow Wow, well before he made his Simba-esque rise to “Bow Wow.” The most obvious current equivalent would be to get a shrine to one of the Disnebrities (clever: that is a combination of the word ‘Disney’ and ‘celebrity’[3] ), but I think the humor of having friends put white-out on the seat of a picture of the Jonas Brothers’ jeans sounds pretty tired, not to mention most of the really good bodily fluid humor is already taken:
I then debated getting this bad-boy:
,but came to acknowledge that the poster itself is somewhat cheaply made; for instance, where is the shoulder-brace for the machine gun? No spell check? Excessive use of exclamation points? Also, you can’t even tuck your shirt-tail in?
It finally came down between two posters that combine both genuine interests with humor. The first one I like to call “video game poster”:
Strengths:
- Supposedly one of those Grateful Dead/ Phish-esque posters where there are a hundred (songs) games or something all around if you can spot them all. Aka: a nerd conversation starter on HGH (CGH?).
-The floating Japanese head on the right hand of the poster.
- The fact that there is a finish-line, a rock concert, and a huge android about to meet in what will surely be Michael Bay’s next inspiration for a film.
-The monster from Doom, a creature recognized for both its viciousness and warped appearance, is merely floating down the main street while soldiers kill one another- a dense statement of humanism?
-The Tetris pieces really do look like they could be art in a park.
-Questioning Mario’s sexual preferences, as the Mushroom Kingdom is without question the most flamboyant thing on the poster.
Weaknesses:
- I don’t recognize a lot of the games, and don’t really find it clever that someone put a “Pong Café” in the middle. It seems like somebody was just trying to fill space by throwing in a bunch of unnecessary details….[4]
-It’s about video games- not sure how many conversations about video games I currently enjoy having, much less will enjoy having in the future.
-The floating Asian-looking head on the right.
The second poster shall be called “Beat Session to John McClane”:
Strengths:
- Die Hard is the best action film of my lifetime. The Matrix is great because of the mind-expanding chronology, and Terminator 2 might beat it in sheer awesomeness , but Die Hard keeps it simple and is perfectly executed.
-This movie (and some conflicts referred to as “World Wars”) might be the largest direct cause of mistrust of Germans in our country. Who could possibly trust Tony, Fritz, or (obviously) Hans- they look like fucking Aryan zombies! This zombie nature is magnified by the absolute brutality in how they were killed (shot, C4 explosions, broken neck, shot again).
-Notice that Tony is the one guy who pussed out (aka, didn’t die). One obvious reason might be that he was not German; the other more logical reason was that God was saving him for a much larger cause: being the sheriff in the avant-garde masterpiece Walker Texas Ranger.
Weaknesses:
-It will bedazzle my friends so much that it will be like having the new expensive toy in the neighborhood before the other (destitute, I imagine) kids. I can imagine people calling to come over and making my carpet wet with tears of sheer joy or with malt liquor spilled out of respect for one nationalistic hero, Hans Gruber.
- It will probably lead to me watching Die Hard another thirty times, bringing my grand total to around 70- this in of itself isn’t a “weakness” but more of a depressing fact of life. Then again, I would probably spend my time numbing my noggin with the new feces volcano on VH1, so this might be a scratch.
- Debating taking my life after constant reminders that I will never be the man John McClane is (sigh).
Winner: Die Hard poster wins this one. While the video-game poster is certainly a conversation starter, I’m trying to detract from the amount of friends I have with acne, not add to them. Also, I’m sure I’ll be able to sell my Die Hard poster to The Louvre in a few years, so it is more of an investment than anything else.
[1] You heard it here first: I fear no beer.
[2] Or at least something to stray me away from the idea(s) of: smoking pot and watching a movie, drinking, or masturbating
[3] Like I said, clever.
[4] Hey!
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