Versus Number Ten

NFL 1990’s vs. NFL Today

Many father-son relationships, particularly when the patriarch and Junior are curmudgeons, are enriched by seemingly meaningless similarities. This rings especially true for me and my father, who came from vastly different backgrounds. But, as much as I didn’t understand his love of motorcycles and Law and Order and he didn’t quite get my idolatry of David Bowie, we shared tastes in Literature, the Rolling Stones, alcohol¹, and football. Football was a looming presence in my household from Saturday drives to Lexington to see the exquisitely awful VMI Keydets get Holyfield-ed by teams that only alumni could be familiar with, to the few movements on the Sunday couch, where getting up was only tolerated if one was cursing the team the Redskins was losing to, taking a bathroom break, or going up to adjust the volume² on the TV set. Time has passed, and while much has changed in my life and in the game of football itself, I still find myself crippled on couches every Sunday, albeit usually a little more hungover and more financially interested in games than I was when I was twelve. Given that we are a quarter through the 2008-09 NFL Season, it seemed as good as time as any to discuss the substantial differences in the culture of the NFL from the 1990s to today. While Fantasy Football has lead to fans having a level of interest never before seen in the good-but-not-great NFL player, it has also taken away some of the panache of the NFL- people root for players now, not teams, which is a significant misstep. Now, before I start comparing the two, I need to acknowledge that a lot of the greats in both eras spent some time in the other- for instance, Jerry Rice played in the 2000s, but he is unquestionably a 90s player, and the vice versa goes for a Terrell Owens/ Ladainian Tomlinson type.

Part I: Best at Position

It is obvious that there will always be debate over who was the best at whatever position forever. So, for instance, when I say Brett Favre was the best quarterback of the 1990s, someone could easily rebutt with Steve Young, Troy Aikman, or Trent “The Dent” Dilfer³. I get that some of my opinion might differ from your’s- I suggest starting up your own blog.

Quarterback- Brett Favre/ Tom Brady- It is difficult to compare these two except for the fact that they are the kings of their respective eras. Brady is a stream-lined, model dating, beret/ scarf combo sporting mastermind of offense. His performance last year was unquestionably the best offensive performance in the history of the league- if he had won the Super Bowl, it would have been the best statistical season of a professional athlete ever. Favre is the most overliked athlete of the ESPN-era (besides maybe MJ), but it is for good reason. He’s a good ol’ boy from Mississippi with one of the biggest arms in NFL history. He has a playfulness that makes Madden-like types opine endlessly about his ‘boy-like passion for the game.’ He has won the MVP three times and has every major statistical quarterback record in football. While I stick by my point that he certainly isn’t as beyond reproach as some would make him out to be, Brady simply doesn’t have the little qualities that make Brett Favre what he is. And for those who argue, logically, that Brady has a good shot of taking all of those QB records I was referring to, he won’t have the most impressive one- 256 consecutive starts. Winner: Favre

Running Back- Emmitt Smith/ LaDainian Tomlinson- I’m already upset with myself for picking Emmitt over Barry Sanders, but Emmitt has those hypnotically huge Super Bowl rings and Barry just has faint memories of how sweet he was in the mid-90s Madden. Like Favre, Emmitt was the face of a dominant organization for much of the 1990s. He holds the record for all-time rushing yards… but it took him a lot longer than it took James Brown, the aforementioned Sanders, and Earl Campbell to get where they got. It can also be argued that Emmitt Smith had the best offensive line of all time, something that might come in handy when playing running back. Ladainian Tomlinson is the best football player of all time. While many could argue to me about his inconsistency, his lack of championships, or the fact he is still not that deep into his career, I’d say just shut up and watch him play. No one has a better combination of skill, form, desire, and class in the NFL. While Adrian Peterson might end up having me adjust this praise of LT, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Winner: LT

Wide Reciever- Jerry Rice/ Terrell Owens- I say Owens over Moss because Owens has been more consistent and been Pro Bowl caliber for every team he has been on, no matter the quarterback or offensive scheme. Terrell Owens is also what’s wrong with the NFL today, from his habit of throwing teammates under the bus, to his so-obnoxious-its-almost-disgusting self advertising⁴. But, I will give credit where credit is due and say he is an amazing talent, fun to watch, and as fierce a competitor as there ever has been. That’s cute and all, but Jerry Rice is Jerry Rice- if you don’t understand that logic, you don’t like football. Winner: Jerry Rice

Offensive Lineman- Larry Allen/ Jonathan Ogden- Once I actually tried to play football and got my unmotivated, unathletic ass relegated to playing Offensive Line, I started to watch the trenches a lot more. For those of you who still don’t appreciate the battle up front, specifically the paramount role a Left Tackle plays, I suggest reading The Blind Side by Michael Lewis. That being said, however, it is difficult to really compare these two OL-Gods, due to the less than flashy nature of the position. These two players were unmovable man-mountains, laughing at the idea of a sack and salivating at the sound of a running play. Hate to do this, but Draw.

Defensive Line- Reggie White/ Jason Taylor- I feel bad I’m not putting a Defensive tackle in the running for this, because it is the most underrated position in football (look how much better a Albert Haynesworth or Tommie Harris makes their respective defenses), but these two guys are pretty spectacular. Reggie White was more of your traditional pass-rushing Defensive End who would laugh at the suggestion of someone running on him. Jason Taylor is much more of a general playmaker- he gets his sacks, the occasional pick, and has a good nose for the ball. But, due to his under-sized frame, he was also a target for many offensive coordinators running the football. In my experience, you stop the run, you have a much better chance of winning the game- Winner: The Minister of Defense

Linebacker- Junior Seau/ Ray Lewis- While Seau has been reasonably productive in the 2000s, his decade was clearly the 1990s (he was a seven- time, yes seven, First team All Pro) when he was the dominate defensive force in football. His controlled recklessness, quickness, strength, and decision making made him on of the most complete football players on either side of the field. His passion made him an irreplaceable team leader, and his gheri-curl made even Ice Cube in sheer jealousy. But Ray Lewis is Ray Lewis- probably the most focused and ferocious player in the last decade, Lewis is always making plays and also orchestrating the Ravens Defense, typically in the NFL’s top five. The only surprise to me about Ray Lewis is that he killed somebody off the field before he killed somebody on it. Winner: Ray Ray

Defensive Back- Deion Sanders/ Ed Reed- First things first, I really wanted to put “Darrel Green/ Sean Taylor” but that would have been half-inaccurate (Sean Taylor was awesome but not ‘best of the 00s awesome’) and wholly showing of my Redskins bias. Deion Sanders effected the game of football like few have before or since. His “primetime” attitude coupled with his Bolt-esque speed⁵ lead him to be the most feared cover corner in the league for a long time. His punt return skills were not to shabby either- until he came to the Redskins, where he made it pretty clear that he would rather live in Arizona⁶ than contribute to the team. Deion will probably be better remembered, however, for his constantly running mouth and ludicrous lifestyle which far too many athletes have idolized in the last decade- if you think trouble magnet like Pac Man Jones would be allowed to suit up in this league without Deion Sanders, you’d be mistaken. On the other side, you have Mr. Ed Reed. My man from the U reminds me a lot of a Ronnie Lot type, except he doesn’t hit quite as hard but makes twice as many plays. I realize this is a once in a lifetime thing, but I was at FedEx when Ed Reed sacked whatever ghost was playing QB for the Skins, forced a fumble, picked up the fumble and returned it I think fifty yards for a touchdown. For reference, I think that is like seventeen points in my fantasy league- you simply can not have a bigger game changing play than that. I also know very little about Ed Reed the person, which makes me like Ed Reed the person a lot more. For Christ’s sake, I still read about Deion mentoring NFL players; I guess he has a hook in the media much like they were the game of one of his ESPN hunting shows. Regardless, Ed Reed is a defensive back that people can build a defense around, Deion seems more like a luxury.

Best Team- Cowboy Era vs. Patriots Era- If these two played on the moon when they were both in their prime and the instant-replay option was not enforced but Bellichik could still watch signals but….. It is pointless to compare football teams as though there was a time vacuum in which you could get all of these guys in their prime- if there was such a thing, you’d hope we would get an Einstein or Jefferson in there over Michael Irvin, but I digress. Since I have been watching football with a fervor that few others do things on Sundays⁷, these have been the two teams that have jumped out and been suffocating the competition. Needless to say, I hate them both for different reasons. The Cowboys, well, because they are the Cowboys, and they were feeding me things to dislike about them during the 90s like Columbia was feeding stock brokers the motivation to stay up for those hundred hour weeks. Arrogant, overrated receiver? Check. Quarterback who always seemed to annoyingly make the right play at the right time? Check. Obnoxiously aggressive defensive lineman (bonus points: he went to JMU)? Check. But as much as I could try to justify disliking the separate pieces of the Cowboys, the reason my hatred was in full check during this era was because the Cowboys were good, like amazingly good. While their record may not suggest the Patriots-era dominance of last year, the Cowboys put fear in the hearts of their opponents- they were mean, fast, talented, and most importantly, hungry. The Patriots took a completely different approach to their dominance by enforcing team-work, role playing, and a secretiveness that teeters on CIA-level (in other words, pointlessness). Tom Brady had the ability to pick apart defenses using an ever-dwindling supply of nobodies (I think their best receiver when they lost to the Colts in the 2007 AFC Championship was Jabar Gaffney- that is pathetic/impressive) and the defense, who annually seems to lose a huge role player, continues to dominate because of their emphasis of strategy over individual players. Now that Brady has the offensive weapons, I’d predict this era is merely taking a break for a year⁸ before it’s a bloodbath next year. But, their questionable approach, particularly Spygate, leaves a pretty crappy taste in my mouth. Also, while the Patriots certainly have the all-stars, Belichick’s focus of team over person leads them to come across flatly. With Randy Moss having been so muzzled in his time in New England, it is clear that Bob Kraft wants to run an organization far differently from the Jerry Jones I-don’t-give-two-shits-about-character-let-him-run-fast-and-sell-jerseys Cowboys teams (of old and new- Tank Johnson + Pac Man + TO= something bad will happen. How did Jerry Jones get so much money with this kind of risk taking?). While it has been somewhat boring that the Patriots era has been defined by secrecy, efficiency, and teamwork, it also speaks well to the game itself- you don’t have to be obnoxious to be dominant. But, that being said, I can’t tell you how much fun I have had watching old Cowboy players get arrested, puzzle me with their career choices⁹, and flat-out embarrass themselves trying to commentate on ESPN. Still though, I think the Patriots of last year, which wasn’t one of their three Super Bowl teams, would have destroyed any Cowboys team ever.

So overall, I think when it comes down to it I acknowledge that the 00s is the best era in football. While the bigger-than-life personalities have become a little sickening, they have also made the game a 24-hour drama. Add the internet, the NFL Network, and the full realization of ESPN as a sports powerhouse, and its amazing to be a current NFL fan. Sure, I will probably always say Brett Favre was the best QB of all time, but my old man used to go on and on about Johnny Unitas, so I guess ignorance in sports fans is here to stay. Its good to be sentimental and defensive about players of old- other wise, how could I get in a near fist-fight over who was better the 1990 Giants or 1991 Redskins?

1 Except I stopped drinking bourbon when I was twenty- last time I had a drink with the old man he was sucking down Crown Royal- this might explain the diabetes…

2 My father was a big dude who usually sat in a leather recliner during games- him trying to wiggle his way into finding a remote was humorous, but usually just to awkward/ painful too watch

3 Actually, I was just looking at statistics, and there is no way Trent Dilfer could be considered the best QB of anything (he wasn’t even the best gunslinger named ‘Trent’ while he was in the league), besides the Super Bowl he won with the Ravens

4 His Line of “i’ shirts on Hard Knocks was hilarious because of the poorness of the idea and the desperation of the spokes-person. “iPractice?” More like “iInfringe” on Apple’s copyright.

5 Or does Usain Bolt have Deion Sanders-esque type speed? You decide

6 See Boys Will be Boys

7 Religion?

8 God knows Brady has some nice things to go home to

9 Remember when E. Smith went to the Cardinals?

Versus Number Nine

I Love Money versus G’s To Gents

In his explanation of the Communist ideology’s suggestion of the elimination of all major religions, Karl Marx justifies these limitations with the quote “Die Religion ... ist das Opium des Volkes,” or to those not familiar with Romantic-era German, “Religion is the opiate of the people.”¹ Apparently he never caught an episode of Tila Tequila.

Reality television is ubiquitous. I hate the crap, and yet I still have three reality shows that I watch with a vigor that is shameless. But, much like the religion in Mr. I’m-too-good-for-capitalism’s quote, reality television is characterized by two things- the cheap thrill of the product and the addictiveness of said thrill. While watching this sludge isn’t necessarily bad in of itself, it does deter one from some of television’s denser, better selections, much like that bag of Ruffles when checking out at the 7-11 might dissuade you from having to sit down and taking the time to order a steak dinner. This becomes especially clear when it comes to repeat viewings: to prove how backwards this all is, I have seen this clip about 250 times more than this one. But, in all fairness, I rarely have the time or the needed focus to invest an hour in watching a drama-drenched indictment on America, particularly when Gordon Ramsey is about to shit a brick. Fortunately my arrogance has lead me to divide Reality Shows into two categories: competition and lifestyle- this is solely so I can call one “subtly relevant”² and the other “why terrorists hate America.”

Lifestyle shows are just as they are titled, little windows into the “lives” of somebody (ies). Typically these shows are based around a celebrity, like the unfathomably depressing The Two Coreys or the no-adverb-needed lameness of Run’s House. Currently, The Hills is the leader of this pack, something incomprehensible, like how people can like the Dallas Cowboys, the Dave Matthews Band, or Tyler Perry. The show, centered around the livlihoods of three eccentric siblings, deals with their tireless trying to stick together after the patriarch is incarcerated for… oh wait, that’s Arrested Development, one of the best shows of all time. The Hills, on the other hand, proves two things: first, for some reason, people will find you more interesting if you are attractive³ although the opposite is typically the case, and secondly, this show actually might prove the opening quote of this article because The Hills systemically proves that there is no God. If there was, wouldn’t Bernie Mac still be alive and all of these mouth-breathers picking condoms out of the water at the water treatment plant?

Competition reality shows, on the other hand, are my jam. Whereas The Hills just shows you why my generation will be the one where China becomes the world’s super-power, shows like Flavor of Love and America’s Next Top Model actually show these imbeciles competing with one another. Due to this competition, as well as the desperate nature of the contestants, we see quickly how bad people can be to one another, which provides many hours of laughter. People on shows like The Hills try to show these socialites as gorgeous, innocuously flawed people- in reality, L.A. is made up of a lot more Buckeeys and Heats, and seeing terrible people treat each other terribly kind of gives these shows the air of a Chekhov play. The two current kings of the schadenfreude television industry are VH1’s I Love Money and MTV’s From G’s to Gents. If you haven’t been watching these shows, I give fair warning- the remainder of the article is sagging with spoilers.

Premise: Although my convoluted rhetoric may suggest otherwise, I am actually a huge fan of simplicity, and in terms of titular straightforwardness, I Love Money is the The Godfather of reality television. The show takes some of the more memorable characters from VH1’s “ode to birth control” series (Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, and I Love New York), hoses them down to get that post Tiki Bob’s⁴ stank off of them, and suits them all with push-up bras, hair gel, and clothing that can show off those awesome barber-wire and lower-back tattoos. The show takes away the absurd suggestion that people actually want to have a lasting relationship with Flavor Flav, Bret Michaels, or New York, and proposes to the viewer that hey, maybe some of these people solely came onto the show for monetary gain more than trying to have cringe-inducing make-out sessions with this man. To win these elusive monies, the characters all have to engage in competitions ranging from spitting for distance to who can throw a tomahawk in a mannequin’s back (I know, I know). Add in a fair amount of lying, alliances, Megan, cheap spirits, and the great country of Mexico, and all I have to say is that my Sunday nights at nine o’clock are spoken for.

If I Love Money takes a “we know these people are shallow tools, might as well watch them crawl for money” approach to reality television, From Gs to Gents takes a far different approach based entirely on the egotism of Jamie Foxx⁵ and Farmsworth Bentley⁶. These two well regarded (I guess? Don’t really follow the hip hop scene) men have decided to take their reputation as two clean-cut African American gentleman (hence the “gents” part of the title) to help current ‘Gs,’ which for all you white people means ‘gangsta⁷,’ change their thuggish ways. For the reformed ‘g’ who performs well enough to dodge the ebony spheres and cruel wrath of Bentley, can look forward to becoming a member of the undefined “gentleman’s club.” Oh, and some big cash prize, the only reason any of these Master P Wanttobe Ps even act like they are faintly interested. The show, unlike I Love Money, did not have an established character base, which remained a problem for roughly 20 minutes before my man Pretty Ricky hit the scene and escalated this show into the national conscience. Much like I Love Money, the contestants range from the utterly pathetic to the remarkably stupid, as the audience must go on the roller-coaster that is life in a rented- MTV house.

While both shows’ strength come from its execution more than the premise itself, I have to say From G’s To Gents wins this round because of the laughably weak attempt to suggest that they aren’t merely exploiting these assholes, but rather they are trying to help them make positive change to live an achieving life. While many times better than the show it imitates, I Love Money is a shameless rip-off of MTV’s Road Rule/ Real World Gauntlet series, and this lack of innovation leads to a narrow loss this round.

Characters: I Love Money

1. Mr. Boston- Originally from I Love New York, Mr. Boston proves that the people Martin Lawrence and Katt Williams base their “white guy” voice on actually does exist. Mr. Boston, with his odd affinity for g-string underwear, desire to get into near fatal altercations with some of the other housemates, and vocal eloquence of Gilbert Gottfried proves that no matter how bad your erectile dysfunction or addiction to crystal meth, you are in fact better than somebody. His expulsion from I Love Money so early in the season lead to at least one of my roommates to stop watching immediately. Favorite moment: Although this is from I Love New York, it remains one of my favorite groups of images.

2. Chance- Also from the first season of I Love New York, Chance is the yin to Mr. Boston’s yang, or as he would probably put it, ‘wang.’ Chance is the lead singer, muscle, spiritual advisor, caterer, key grip, body oil applicator, and general carpenter of the Stallionaires, the finest R & B/ comedy troupe to come out of a mid-summer basic-cable match-making show whose only contribution to society was the discovery of at least fourteen different venereal diseases. Chance, along with his ‘alliance’ of Real and Whiteboy, is impossible not to watch. Whether it be his tireless shit-talking to people, refusal to take off his head band, or very innocent love of horses (hence the group name), Chance has the ability to be the catalyst in the middle of an awkward situation, as well as be the spitter of Eugene O’ Neill-esque word-play to properly comment on past transgressions. While he may be gone for now, I have the feeling Chance of Love would be a hit of epic proportions. Favorite moment: Not from I Love Money, but a diss rap about Tango, the man who stole New York’s love in the first I Love New York.

3. Midget Mac- If Mr. Boston is sort of funny for the focus of an episode, and Chance would be great for a season of his own show, Midget Mac should be given his own sort of medium- some sort of holographic device so that he could be crawl around you at all times and spurt his impossible to decipher Northern-People-Probably-Think-This-Is-How-Southern-People-Talk accent. Midget Mac, who is in fact a midget with a heart of gold and a liver of a 80 pound mammal, is without doubt the best creation of Reality television⁸. In his one episode appearance on I Love Money, Midget Mac got hammered, refused to participate in the episode’s challenge because he “ain’t wearing no panties,” terrified every air-head white girl there with his Budget BET Leprechaun movie look, and told another contestant “I got more money than you and your motherfucking kid.” I’m pretty sure this is why Edison envisioned the moving image. Favorite moment: Midget Mac clips are somewhat rare because of his usually quick exit from the shows he appears on, but this is pretty classic (listen particularly to the background voices).

From G’s to Gents- The most noticeable problem with From G’s To Gents is that most of the characters come across the exact same. It is obvious they all fit MTV’s (a company owned by global, multi-billion dollar company) definition of “g,” but as a consequence, the extent of the crap-talking is pretty basic. Nonetheless, I found three:

1. Stan- Stan is an ex-stripper and possible gigolo, who felt compelled to come to the show because he was trying to better himself and stop objec…. uh fuck it, he even said “I just want to make $100,000 without having to take my clothes off.” This does sound all well and good, until a tirade discussing how he has a Hummer, Lexus, and a house all paid for due to his exquisite man-whoring skills makes the questioning audience member wonder about Stan’s intentions. This is about as varied as From G’s to Gents gets.

2. Creepa- While most of these guys on the show do give the appearance of somebody you wouldn’t really want to see on a dark street corner in the city, at first I actually felt a little uncomfortable looking Creepa in his eyes on TV. He just gives me this sort of paranoid sensation that he could just look at me from inside the television and say something like “Nick, I’m going to get you, and I’m going to kiss you before I strangle you. Love, Creepa,” as if he were some blind person’s representation of a ghetto Freddy Kruger. Creepa, whose occupation is “goon,” or “paid to intimidate,” comes across as your stereotypical South Florida thug. From his gumball-machine grill to his eclipse viewers which he so urbanly refers to as “hater blockers,” the more I see of Creepa, the more I am starting to think he is actually fresh out of Julliard, watched a season of Oz, and figured this was as good a way as any to get into the business. Nonetheless, his choking technique was outstanding.

3. T Jones- If I were to actually hang out with any of these brainiacs, one would not have to look much further than T Jones. First, that is also the nickname of Thomas Jones, a personal favorite football player. Secondly, he is fat, goofy, and laid-back, so I wouldn’t be afraid of him abruptly trying to rip me off or kick my ass (thank you Cee). Thirdly, he has worked at every major fast food restaurant in Greater Detroit- not exactly common ground between us, but you know that man has seen some events unfold in front of his eyes while closing up White Castle. Fourthly, he is unemployed, which I too have been at points in time. Fifthly, he loves alcohol almost to a fault, which sounds exactly like me. And, finally, I’d hope that after he wins the contest (my prediction) that me and him could go to the gas station and buy 20,000 $5 scratch-off lottery tickets. First you get the money, then you get the “Five Ways to Win,” and then, and only then, do you get the women.

All things considered, the variety offered on I Love Money is simply too great.

Let’s Fight! Unsurprisingly, both of these shows share a producer, and much of the humor is derived from the editing process, so it comes down to a question of what I like more: a television show that embarrasses people on MTV or VH1. While G’s to Gents is a show worth every second of your attention, the parts that try to emphasize making these men into “gentlemen” are just too much. Sure, a gentleman needs to know how to make wise economic decisions and how to talk properly to the fairer sex- but if the point of this show is to make them a success, let’s first focus on getting the grills off their teeth, teaching them how to speak properly, and then maybe pursuing some GEDs, naval enlistments, or for the savvy, ECPI classes. I don’t know much about success, but that seems to a more solid plan of attack then assume you will find the right person to hustle at the right time. I Love Money, however, is relentless on showing what the desperate will do for some green- and it works, especially considering the contestants were the ones spouting about “alliances” since day one (newsflash: only one person can win- take a note from Royal Tenenbaum). I Love Money wins because it does not have a forced, inflated view of what it is, although don’t tell Creepa- that dude would wear my backbone as a necktie.

1 Clueless as to how this lead to Stalin killing millions of people

2 In other words, I want this to be more meaningful than it really is

3 And God knows Audrina is attractive- look up the nude photos on your own watch, I’m at work

4 This is a club in Richmond where a lot of these American treasures come and “perform” or whatever you want to call it. Essentially they get paid about $500 a night to go be ridiculed by people who think they are so lame that they bought a ticket to see them

5 Who, I think, is the only Oscar winner to be in both Stealth and Booty Call

6 Not real name, Sorry

7 Sorry, no ‘er’ in the word

8 I acknowledge that isn’t too great of a feat- all he had to do was beat out “You’re Fired,” the time Vern Troyer got bombed on Surreal Life, and when Sebastian Bach beat the crap out of Evan Sheffield