Me vs. the Pitchfork 500
Pitchfork.com, a web-site created in 1995 to simultaneously cater to the rise of the independent music scene and the internet, recently put out a list of their 500 best songs from 1977- 2006, a retrospective they have appropriately titled The Pitchfork 500. Given that I have only seen the list and not been informed about any potential restrictions, such as no two songs from the same album, I acknowledge that I might look back at this entry as being a little trigger happy. I identify pitchfork as two things- the best place for music criticism anywhere, and the most pompous analysis on the internet, perpetually walking on the sardonic/ unnecessarily vicious threshold. For instance, here is a review of Jet’s disc Shine On- a CD I wouldn’t consider anything greater than television ad music, but even for all it’s derivativeness it deserved more than just mockery- even Spinal Tap got words in their review of Shark Sandwich.
With all that being said, I do have some general notes about the list before I get on to the intestines of this piece. First, and foremost, this is an awesome list. The list goes from Bowie to Fugazi to N.W.A. to Kelly Clarkson, and rarely did I find myself objectively disagreeing with any of the picks. Secondly, the more I think about this list, the more it becomes obvious that reading the forward to the book would be mandatory to understanding the list. For instance, are chosen songs supposed to identify an era, a genre, a group themselves, or are the editors simply judging by sonic bliss? Is it which songs are most influential or best-selling?
But don’t worry, I’m not writing my own Vsmatters 500 (which does sound like a tech-sponsored NASCAR race or some sort of German sold-on-TV appliance). Instead, I decide to knit-pick on the list by doing three categories- (1) Songs that should have been on there, (2) Right band, Wrong song, and (3) Songs that should not have been on there. I acknowledge that there has been a lot of terse thought regarding this piece, so don’t hold me to the flame if I forgot to suggest an obviously worthy song or something of a similar nature. Oh, and by the way, I win this one, because if they put the changes I suggested on the list, I would clearly prefer the reformed one over the original.
Songs that Deserved to be on The List But Were Not
Right Group, Wrong Song
5. 2 Pac- “I Get Around”- should have been “California Love”- I’m the first to admit I know diddly-squat about rap music, particularly mid 90s west coast rhymes, so purists may want to burn me at the stake for picking the hyper productive dead MC’s most popular song over another of his well regarded cuts. The fact is “California Love” brings together two juggernauts of rap without compromising nor unnecessarily catering to either. Rule of thumb- if your song is good enough to get Chris Tucker to be in the video, you’ve got yourself a hit.
4. White Stripes- “Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground”- should have been “Fell in Love With a Girl.” Both of these are integral parts to the Stripes’ 2001 masterpiece White Blood Cells, but whereas “Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground,” with its’ Led Zep-sized riffs, is a much better example of who the Whites Stripes are, “Fell in Love with a Girl” seems to better reflect the spectrum of the Detroit Duo’s influences more evenly. Plus, I’m a fan of rock songs that clock under 130 seconds.
3. Gang of Four- “Damaged Goods”- should have been “I Found That Essence Rare.” Both of these songs are from Gang of Four’s genre-shattering and grossly influential Entertainment!, an album that suggested that rocking and bobbing are not mutually exclusive reactions to a good beat. While the two pieces sound very similar with a bass line on the foreground and guitar work that sounds like a fencer with a chainsaw, I simply like the lyrics and message more for “I Found That Essence Rare,” a song that expresses sincerity in a genre characterized by jaded screeches.
2. Devo- “Mongoloid”- should have been “Gut Feeling/ Slap Your Mammy.” While the former song, with its harmonized chorus, abrasive guitar riff, and bizarre subject matter (in this case the story of a mongoloid trying to make it in a sterilized day- in day-out existence) seems to be a much better representation of the bands’ ostracized version of punk rock, the latter is simply a better song. With a slow, Dick Dale-esque surf melody that becomes quickly emboldened with a exponentially charging piano, this is the song that demonstrates Devo’s ear for subtlety, texture, and song structure. Also, the opening line of the song: “Something about the way you taste/ Makes me want to clear my throat” is classic.
1. Interpol- “Obstacle 1”- should have been “PDA.” Once again, I think this was Pitchfork giving a nod to a band’s sound over acknowledging the band’s exemplary song. “Obstacle 1,” a decent track with an appropriately shattered structure and an almost dueling guitarist and vocalist, ultimately comes across as a carbon-copy of the Depeche Mode or Echo and the Bunnymen. “PDA” puts none of these comparisons to rest, but there is a fragile happiness, particularly the jam that concludes the song, that separates the New Yorkers from their mascara-heavy cross-Atlantic influences. The lyrics mix melancholy with an abstract razor-thin ray of hope to create what might be the best written song of the 2000s.
Songs That Should Have Been on There
5. Grandaddy- “He’s Simple, He’s Dumb, He’s the Pilot”- A personal favorite group of mine, I have to admit I was a little surprised that nothing from The Sophtware Slump, or more generally, this band was on the list. This song, which takes from influences ranging from Electric Light Orchestra to Pet Sounds, is a great statement by a band many referred to as the American Radiohead.
4. Eminem- “Guilty Conscience”- While there is already an Eminem song on the list, I feel that if Jay-Z is as well represented as he is, that the Real Slim Shady should also get some bonus dap. Where as Jay-Z seems to be the apex of the traditional smooth talking, money flashing, popping beats rap-game, Eminem, due to his low pigment count, approaches the genre with a self-deprecating humor and brutal honesty that was rare for rap that had become bastardized with the No Limits and Cash Monies near the turn of the millennium. This song does what every good Eminem song does- it makes you awe his phonic fortitude, gasp at his violent yearnings, and most importantly, laugh.
3. Scissor Sisters- “Take Your Mama”- The turn of the millennium’s music scene was inhabited by a lot of “next” bands- the Strokes’ were the “Next Ramones,” the Hives were the “Next Stooges,” and Andre 3000 of Outkast was the “Next Prince.” The Scissor Sisters took a similar if less-pedantically-artsy-route- they are the “Next Elton John.” “Take Your Mama,” one of the most listenable ditties of the last thirty years, seems to mix John’s clap-along tunes like “Crocodile Rock,” with his androgyny, and adds a little Brian May showmanship on the guitar to bring the entire piece together.
2. Megadeth- “Peace Sells”- Love it or hate it, heavy metal was one of the dominant forms of music throughout the 20 years. Fans of virtuosic musicianship and gonzo humor tend to align themselves with the “love” category, music critics tend to huddle around the “hate” teepee. Regardless, the list only has two real Metal songs, “Battery” and “Run to the Hills”- and while they are done by two of the more lauded metal Gods (Metallica and Iron Maiden), I still find it puzzling that the list couldn’t find another accomplished Metal song to put on the list- consider this that pick. “Peace Sells” has mind-blowing guitar work by Dave Mustaine, drum work that makes you want to gallop on a centaur, and a bass line that has been immortalized by none other than MTV (it was the introductory music bit on the “MTV News” clips). This career-definer also presents a great point about metal- while it is mostly loud, fast, and screaming, there is some level of substance in the music, seen by the expressed ideology of peace selling but no one buying due to corrupted humanism.
1. Red Hot Chili Peppers- “Under the Bridge”- Not my favorite song by the group, but probably its most famous as well as its most loved. It is discouraging that there was no Red Hot Chili Peppers (or Pearl Jam for that matter) on this list- they are responsible for two of the best albums of the last twenty years (Ten and Blood Sugar Sex Magik) and countless quality singles. This song showed the Chili Peppers ability to go out of the hard-rocking, early 90s box that was so popular and sing a song with more tonal intricacies as well as make an anthem for kids who didn’t like rap or Poison (ie, me). Bonus points for the fact that so many people know the lyrics to this song, but so few know that it is about heroin addiction.
Should Not Have Been on the List
5. Elliot Smith- “Needle in the Hay”- As a fan of Elliot Smith, I was glad to see that he was represented several times on the list. As an objective fan of music, I knew that several was one too many. As a fan of Elliot Smith and of music, I knew that this song, a cringe-inducing monolithic bore is a terrible selection for a “best of” list. While the song will always be bolted into my memory due to the vivid attempted suicide scene it accompanied in Wes Anderson’s excellent The Royal Tenenbaums (something that echoed Smith’s own suicide) I prefer his “King’s Crossing” or “Son of Sam,” songs sparkling with life and anger as well as pain to this boring acoustic mess.
4. Justin Timberlake- “Cry Me a River”- Anybody that wants to say that Justin Timberlake is cool, I direct you to this. Peoples’ obvious lack of long term memory can be very disheartening. JT’s reemergence as Michael Jackson lite is as laughable as it is trite. The funny thing is I get in drawn out arguments over the fact that I wish I was the guy- that my hatred is in actuality the sincerest sort of fandom- jealousy. I would like to have millions of dollars, dolphins as bidets, diamonds as balance mechanisms, and Biels as penis warmers- but I would rather have it on my own terms as opposed to be being a barometer of K-Mart popularity. This song has been sung millions of times before by better musicians (see Motown: all). I will, however, saw that JT could potentially slip himself off my list of shitheads by continuing acting- he did a fantastic job in both Alpha Dog and Black Snake Moan.
3. Missy Elliot- “Get Your Freak On”- I can usually ‘get’ most pop music. I rarely like the junk food, but I can appreciate the appeal in a simple beat with monosyllabic lyrics that make the women shake them curves. This song should fall under this category, but it does not. Just because Elliot has a different approach to making beats does not suggest that said method is better, comparable, or even acceptable. Songs like this are why films like You Got Served have been made, and highest grossing documentary of all time, The Downfall of Western Civilization: The Late 1900s, will be out in ten years or so. Clearly a pick so the people at pitchfork can claim they have a clue as to what was ‘urban taste’ (ie, they saw black people listening to it on MTV during TRL before they heard Nirvana for the first time).
2. Animal Collective- There are two kinds of indie-rock fans- those who appreciate the different spin on established rock n’ roll traditions and those who like the no wave brand of music, where the very foundations on which rock are based are ignored for a more “feeling,” sporadic sort of music. Bands such as Queens of the Stoned Age, Arcade Fire, Wolf Parade, and Pavement fall into this first group; bands like Liars, newer Radiohead, and Animal Collective fall into the second. The second group, usually acknowledged as the second coming of “no wave” music, really clicks for some folks- for me, I think it is laughably bad. Radiohead still puts out killer albums, yes, but most of these other bands tend to forget that their idol (Radiohead) were a rock band rooted in pop sensibility before they decided to experiment with rhythm, beat, progression, etc. Animal Collective is the worst of these offenders, as their obsession with Amnesiac is only rivaled by their lauding of the Beach Boys Pet Sounds era. While both influences certainly have their merits, combined its like watching an asexual, thumbless dwarf crying because he can’t commit suicide- it is so gloomy and gray that the only thing that is being said is that the band can’t think of anything truly original, so they went to the go-to, in this case, vague, depressing music.
1. Napalm Death- “Twist the Knife (Slowly)”- One of the greatest characteristics of the Pitchfork 500 is its very inclusive nature. From disco to no-wave to metal to modern pop, pitchfork has shown themselves to consider music as a whole as opposed to the genres one might assume they prefer while creating this list. That being said, not every genre of music is one that should be considered as objectively great. Grindcore (the genre Napalm Death is considered the king of) falls under this category. Allmusic.com’s definition: “grindcore in its purest form consisted of short, apocalyptic blasts of noise played on standard heavy metal instrumentation (distorted guitar, bass, drums)” makes it seem like a more aggressive hard-core music, but that is misleading. Grindcore’s purpose is to essentially hurt the listener’s ears by lacking any tonal aptitude and showers of blood-filled screams. If it sounds like Iggy Pop, I have done both a grave disservice. Maybe grindcore will be like punk and appreciated one day for its anti-pop take on pop music- if that is the case, great for Napalm Death, but in my eyes it is shit music, and shit music, much like pleasing music, maintains its quality no matter the amount of time passed. While pitchfork added this song to give homage to the grindcore genre, I think that is lame reasoning- if we are including everything, where are the kids’ lullabies, neo nazi anthems, and Sexual Warrior-esque goth-Kraftwerk tunes. For such a great list, this is clearly the vilest of the blemishes. Simply can’t complain though about the Pitchofork 500 as a whole- at least this list didn’t become a circle jerk of Beatles and Bob Dylan songs with tired Phil Spector crap sprinkled throughout.
