The Top TV of A Decade: A List

The Top TV of the Decade: A List

While 1990s television programs like The Simpsons, Seinfeld, and Homicide: Life on the Street proved that the medium could compete with the film industry at a comedic and dramatic level, it would take until the 2000s, and the widespread use of DVD Players and Tivo, for television to be widely regarded as a legitimate art form. While television still did not have the budgets of studio films, creative TV producers realized that they did have something that film studios do not- a lengthy amount of time to produce a story. And with the power of the new technology, people could record or purchase entire seasons of a television series and treat them as though they were a film. Some series, as a consequence, stopped being episodically contained. Shows such as Lost and The Sopranos demanded a working history of the narrative out of their audience, and were more rewarding to the patient discerning viewer as character development and intricate story lines took place of immediate satisfaction and catch phrases. With that in mind, I present the five best comedies and the five best dramas of the last ten years.

Top Five Comedies:

5. “South Park”- With the thrill of little kids using bad language dulled, many viewers were curious if South Park could take its place as heir apparent to the Simpsons or if it would rely merely on shock value to sell cheaply made goods at malls across America. In reality, it pulled off both. South Park somehow got to the root of many of the century’s controversies, from the moral ambiguity of euthanasia to the smugness of the environmentally aware, without losing any of the Monty Python-esque absurdity that helped define it in its infancy.

4. “Curb Your Enthusiasm”- The inability of Larry David to let things be is the anchor of this mockumentary, a program dealing with the fictitious ins-and-outs of a high strung neurotic guy; who just happens to be a multi-millionaire famous for co-creating one of the most beloved television shows of all time (Seinfeld). Whether it be his profanity-laden yelling matches with Suzy, his manager’s wife, or his reluctance to give a best friend a kidney, the show excels because it humorously answers this question: what would you do if you had all the money in the world yet were unhappy? That answer: act like an inconsiderate jerk.

3. “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”- Accurately described as Seinfeld but far less self-aware and way more absurd, “Sunny” is a statement about the apathy and subsequent substance abuse that seems to plague many of the younger members of Generation X. But what makes it hilarious is the show’s characters: the mean-spirited but boyish Mac, the arrogant yet fragile Dennis, and of course, the learning-disabled, alcoholic, hopelessly-in-love, impoverished “cesspool,” Charlie. Unlike other modern comedies, “Sunny” never takes itself too seriously and as a consequence makes the characters, who are usually doing thoughtless, if not awful, things, strangely likeable and relatable. You must know your show is good if Danny DeVito decides to sign-on as a gun-obsessed divorcee with schemes so elaborate and frankly ridiculous even MacGyver would shake his head.

2. “Arrested Development”- The story of a once-entitled and now-shamed family has been a cult hit since Ron Howard’s baritone finished off the narration of the first episode. The show, a multi-character collage of what happens when idiocy and privilege meet, excels by mixing its endlessly self-referential humor with a genuine message about the meaning of family in these confusing times. But trying to write a concise two sentence statement about why the show is terrific is as misguided as trying to describe James Joyce with a Cliff-Notes, so I’ll just list a few of the more amusing things from the series: Tobias as Miss Featherbottom, Buster’s “loose seal,” Michael’s transparent self-righteousness, Lucille’s biting sense of humor, and, of course, the magician Gob. If you have no idea what those things mean, finding out is a worthwhile treat.

1. “The Office” (UK Version)- It only took Ricky Gervais twelve episodes and a two-part Christmas Special to create the funniest program of the last ten years. The show, a mix between the dryness of “Spinal Tap” and the absurdity of “The Simpsons,” is a statement about the crushing banality of office work very much in the same vein as Mike Judge’s “Office Space.” Gervais, however, treats his characters with a respect rarely seen in satires this sharp. Take Tim, the drop-out college student with a pension for pranks and an eye for the receptionist- instead of Gervais insisting that the guy is a loser or some sort of soulless drone, Gervais gives the character space to breath, and consequently there are few characters in television’s history as relatable. But the real star is Gervais’ David Brent, the oblivious, overeager boss who insists on referring to himself as “a friend first, entertainer second, boss third” in between participating in “dance offs for charity” and bar trivia questions about Russian authors. While the American version is funny, and does a good job of not trying to merely copy the humor of the British version, it falls short to the original because a lot of it feels like filler. To put it succinctly- “The Office” is the best comedic program of the last decade because it does what David Brent claims to hope to do- “put a smile on the face on all that [it] met.”

Top Five Dramas:

5. “Dexter”- This show not only put Showtime on the map, but also shot Michael C. Hall into stardom as the most convincing serial killer in recent television history. Hall is scary good as the titular character, a man compelled to kill by his horrific history yet feels a deep obligation both to the police force for which he works and the idea of family his father instilled in him. When the show is flowing smoothly, it plays like a well-structured mix between a cop drama and Dante’s Inferno - action packed, but never straying away from larger, more abstract questions. While the occasional lack of strong supporting characters makes the show drag at times, Hall’s Dexter is a performance for the ages.

4. “Breaking Bad”- The most recent entry on either list, “Breaking Bad” has wowed many who have seen it with its ability to weave the mundane with the extreme in a poignant way. The series revolves around a high school chemist who, in response to being diagnosed with cancer, decides to start manufacturing crystal meth to supply for his family. Cranston (who plays the main character) amazes as a man who is so confused at the brink of death that he feels the only thing to do is to fight in any manifestation possible. While “Breaking” is still in its relative genesis (about twenty episodes so far), it has the “wow” factor- whether it be from a car chase or a demented drug lord’s eating habits- that only comes from shows of the highest quality. I fully expect this to be in my “Best of 2010s” list.

3. “The Sopranos”- If it were not for this program, surely none of these other dramas would have existed. The killing yet loving, womanizing yet protective, understanding yet completely psychopathic Tony Soprano demonstrated first hand to television executives that the protagonists in a program need not be virtuous, but they do need to be likeable (or at least compelling). But while Tony is clearly the focal point of the show, “The Sopranos” is universally loved because of the relationships that the characters establish throughout the course of the program’s narrative. Whether it be Tony’s incredibly tumultuous relationship with all the women in his life, his wife Carmela’s guilt of living a life of ill-gotten excess, or his cousin Christopher’s desire to be a Hollywood big-shot while fighting a heroin addiction, the show’s creators created a living, breathing world unlike any that has been seen before or since in television. While there are some sections that lagged- specifically in the earlier parts of the last season- the show as a whole has maintained a quality most art only dreams of approaching.

2. “The Wire”- Whereas “The Sopranos” succeeded in creating a narrative world, David Simon’s “The Wire” excelled because of its ability to create a city from its lowliest addict to its most prominent political players. It accomplished this by setting the story up much like a novel, with every season being a chapter in the show’s unflinching look at urban decay. From the damaged yet noble Bubbles, to the damaging and unflinching Marlow Stanfield, the show did such an excellent job documenting the systematic flaws of urban life that Harvard plans to offer a course in it by next year. While the show is renown for its scope, it all starts with the dialogue, which is as authentic to Baltimore-speak as it is humorous and dazzling. “The Wire” is one of those rare pieces of entertainment where nothing could have been cut. While I have heard many complain that the longshoremen and journalism angles weren’t as strong as the show’s take on inner-city issues- an opinion I completely disagree with- it just goes to prove the point that “The Wire” was intended as a multi-perspective love letter and eulogy to Baltimore. Every breathless complement and every lauding article is right- “The Wire” transcends its medium quickly and justly sits by all major artistic endeavors of the last century.

1. “The Shield”- If “The Wire” is an almost-academic look at the multitude of issues that plague our cities, “The Shield” is its opinionated, snarling, pissed off cousin. Created in the wake of the Rampart Police scandal that rocked the city of Los Angeles, “The Shield” examines the “why’s” and “how’s” of police corruption. Also much like “The Wire,” “The Shield” examines this plight at many levels- from the arrested criminals to the substantially underpaid cops who are so susceptible to corruption, to the politicians who line their ballot boxes by exploiting the masses. But “The Shield” knows it focus, which is police corruption, whereas “The Wire” never seemed satisfied (or interested for that matter) in investigating just one part of the puzzle. As a result, “The Shield” does not have the quite kaleidoscopic feel that “The Wire” does, but this heightened focus on the police allows for considerably more character development and involvement than Simon’s show does.

Another substantial difference between the two shows is how they approach their subjects. “The Wire” makes a point of dignifying those who are society may deem wretched (such as drug dealers) but makes a point of dirtying those who our culture typically respect. “The Shield,” on the other hand, with its constantly moving camera, is unafraid of calling certain people (on both sides of the law) evil. To be frank, it’s a liberal’s view of city decay versus a cynic’s view.

In the end, “The Shield” is my #1 because it mixes the issue of family in with all the crime issues. Seeing Vic Mackey, as much of a bastard as he truly is, playing with his autistic kids, or in the crushing final episodes seeing the misguided Shane trying to comfort his family as they await their certain doom give “The Shield” an extra layer that “The Wire” rarely acknowledges- the personal. After recently watching the series’ finale again, it became apparent why I like “The Shield” more- it is because “The Shield” is about the fall of human nature whereas “The Wire” is about the fall of a city.

Versus Number Eighteen

As I am about to set upon “Academic Voyage 2: King Bong,” I have been casually searching for some art-work to set the mood for my new apartment- or at least subdue the sensation one might feel when seeing the abundance of chalk outlines and lack of natural light or dealing with the obtrusiveness of random shit sprawled across the floor. Seeing as I am going to be a grad student, a Dali print is a little out of my price range, and while I love Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, comic interpretations of the vast quantities of alcohol one can consume[1], and Brooke Burke just as much now as I did at nineteen, it is time for a change in direction.[2] The first one that came to mind pretty much sums up everything good in this world, but unfortunately I do not think exists as a real poster:

If your reaction right now is an odd combination of reverence, genuine terror, and beard envy, you can surely understand how the lack of this poster’s existence has sucked all the air right out of my sails.

The next idea I had was actually stolen from a classmate while at undergrad- the tongue-so-in-cheek-that-blood-is-erupting-out-of-your-face fantastically awful poster. His was of Lil’ Bow Wow, well before he made his Simba-esque rise to “Bow Wow.” The most obvious current equivalent would be to get a shrine to one of the Disnebrities (clever: that is a combination of the word ‘Disney’ and ‘celebrity’[3] ), but I think the humor of having friends put white-out on the seat of a picture of the Jonas Brothers’ jeans sounds pretty tired, not to mention most of the really good bodily fluid humor is already taken:

I then debated getting this bad-boy:

,but came to acknowledge that the poster itself is somewhat cheaply made; for instance, where is the shoulder-brace for the machine gun? No spell check? Excessive use of exclamation points? Also, you can’t even tuck your shirt-tail in?

It finally came down between two posters that combine both genuine interests with humor. The first one I like to call “video game poster”:

Strengths:

- Supposedly one of those Grateful Dead/ Phish-esque posters where there are a hundred (songs) games or something all around if you can spot them all. Aka: a nerd conversation starter on HGH (CGH?).

-The floating Japanese head on the right hand of the poster.

- The fact that there is a finish-line, a rock concert, and a huge android about to meet in what will surely be Michael Bay’s next inspiration for a film.

-The monster from Doom, a creature recognized for both its viciousness and warped appearance, is merely floating down the main street while soldiers kill one another- a dense statement of humanism?

-The Tetris pieces really do look like they could be art in a park.

-Questioning Mario’s sexual preferences, as the Mushroom Kingdom is without question the most flamboyant thing on the poster.

Weaknesses:

- I don’t recognize a lot of the games, and don’t really find it clever that someone put a “Pong Café” in the middle. It seems like somebody was just trying to fill space by throwing in a bunch of unnecessary details….[4]

-It’s about video games- not sure how many conversations about video games I currently enjoy having, much less will enjoy having in the future.

-The floating Asian-looking head on the right.

The second poster shall be called “Beat Session to John McClane”:

Strengths:

- Die Hard is the best action film of my lifetime. The Matrix is great because of the mind-expanding chronology, and Terminator 2 might beat it in sheer awesomeness , but Die Hard keeps it simple and is perfectly executed.

-This movie (and some conflicts referred to as “World Wars”) might be the largest direct cause of mistrust of Germans in our country. Who could possibly trust Tony, Fritz, or (obviously) Hans- they look like fucking Aryan zombies! This zombie nature is magnified by the absolute brutality in how they were killed (shot, C4 explosions, broken neck, shot again).

-Notice that Tony is the one guy who pussed out (aka, didn’t die). One obvious reason might be that he was not German; the other more logical reason was that God was saving him for a much larger cause: being the sheriff in the avant-garde masterpiece Walker Texas Ranger.

Weaknesses:

-It will bedazzle my friends so much that it will be like having the new expensive toy in the neighborhood before the other (destitute, I imagine) kids. I can imagine people calling to come over and making my carpet wet with tears of sheer joy or with malt liquor spilled out of respect for one nationalistic hero, Hans Gruber.

- It will probably lead to me watching Die Hard another thirty times, bringing my grand total to around 70- this in of itself isn’t a “weakness” but more of a depressing fact of life. Then again, I would probably spend my time numbing my noggin with the new feces volcano on VH1, so this might be a scratch.

- Debating taking my life after constant reminders that I will never be the man John McClane is (sigh).

Winner: Die Hard poster wins this one. While the video-game poster is certainly a conversation starter, I’m trying to detract from the amount of friends I have with acne, not add to them. Also, I’m sure I’ll be able to sell my Die Hard poster to The Louvre in a few years, so it is more of an investment than anything else.

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[1] You heard it here first: I fear no beer.

[2] Or at least something to stray me away from the idea(s) of: smoking pot and watching a movie, drinking, or masturbating

[3] Like I said, clever.

[4] Hey!

Versus Number Seventeen

Kids Versus Dogs

If there is one word that accurately captures my personality around all those things small and loud it is “curmudgeon.” With that said, one can quickly imagine I am not a big fan of either kids or dogs.

[Out of breath screaming about how a weird, heartless bastard I am? Alright, than we can continue]

Its not that I think I am somehow “above” all things young or canine. Although the abundance of chest-hair and cig in my mouth made it an awkward journey, I too was delivered from my mother’s womb. While most of them sit hazily in my dome due to years of recent substance abuse, I have memories of a pleasant childhood filled with hi-jinx, riff-raff, and up-to-no-goodness of all sorts. So why do I hate kids?

Before we pick that lock, I might as well talk about my relationship with dogs, “companions” that have been with me for an overwhelming majority of my twenty-five years. Of my eighteen years that I lived at home, we always had at least two dogs. Remember some of the shittier episodes of the shows on T.G.I.F. where the one adorable child’s dream was to get a puppy for Christmas? I could never relate to those because I was the exact opposite of that¹. While there were certainly exceptions to the rule², dogs too annoy the crap out of me- but why?

FAQs Concerning My Stance

1. So, do you just not like pets? I don’t think the problem is that I don’t like pets, it was just that I was overwhelmed while growing up with them. I’d say for at least seven years of my life we had on average seven pets. SEVEN. We didn’t live in rural fucking South Dakota or in a budget inner-city Zoo where German Shepherds are considered “Species of the world.” We lived in a modestly sized neighborhood whose typical resident was somewhere in between the age of Matlock and the Magna Carta. So, not only was our house literally getting ripped to shreds by these beasts, but when we’d take them on walks around the neighborhood, we’d get looks through thick monocles as though we were the type of clueless assholes that were running this country’s sense of modesty into the ground. And we had several dogs I did like, but I always appreciated cats more because they were just considerably lower-maintenance.

2. As a man who is a fan of cats surely you can tell me what a penis takes like? Fag. Good gay joke. Although I hate referencing this film when trying to explain my stance on anything, Meet the Parents addresses a lot of the things I consider when comparing the two most common domesticated animals. First, and I don’t give a shit if you claim otherwise by using a scientific survey or something as evidence, but cats are smarter. Cats don’t chase their own tails, dogs do. Dogs don’t have their own toiletry systems and etiquette, cats do. Given, there is something to be said about being able to be far more active with a dog than a cat³, but I loathe exercise as is- I can’t handle another exercise-related responsibility. Sure, cats do scratch, but a dog’s bite is substantially worse. I think my favorite thing about a cat is that it can keep itself occupied- all said, I guess it is a preference of low maintenance versus slobber.

3. How big of an asshole hates kids? A pretty thoughtless one. I fully understand that the youth is our future, that kids need to make plenty of mistakes to grow, blah blah blah blah. The fathers of Biblical times (even the “Father” Father) had it right- have your kid, and have the woman raise it until it is at an age where you can do somewhat enjoyable things with it. Not to mention, I don’t think I, or pretty much any male in between the ages of twenty and forty, have anything valuable to teach an infant. I watched and was involved in the raising of three cousins, and the only things they learned from me is playing video games is cool, doing bad shit behind your parents backs is cooler, and solving problems with violence is the coolest. Sure, kids with spaghetti on their face or a strong embrace around a Mickey Mouse stuffed animal are as adorable as a Panda Bear swimming in a cloud, but the other 99.9% of the time, most children acknowledge themselves as parasites and act accordingly.

4. Which do you like less dogs or babies? Well, I dislike them for pretty much the exact same reasons. Both are painfully loud- dogs with their barks and babies with their cries. How many times have you had an experience ruined by one of these sounds? Last year I was flying back from San Francisco and I was sitting in front of a Middle Eastern woman with her two children- neither of which could be silent for more than a second, thus demolishing any reverence one might have had for the quaintness and modesty of such a polarizing culture. Add this to the fact that the mother was yelling at these children the entire time in a foreign language, and I was quickly becoming the number one terrorist threat on the plane. In terms of barking, the amount of sleepless nights I have had due to a dog just yelping at car lights is staggering- with no exaggeration, I’d say at least two hundred.

Both need constant attention, but for dogs this seems like something they want and for kids its just something that is necessary. While at times rough-housing with a dog is a safe channel to getting aggression out, the shit stops being cute when you have a suit on about to go work, are in the middle of a film, or trying to be intimate. While they too crave attention, kids for the most part can pretty much hang out by themselves- it is just the chaos that ensues when one is left to his or her own devices. There is an anecdote that involves me as a child crashing my mother’s Corvette into a Little Caesar’s merely by playing around with the emergency break, but that is for another time. Dogs just come across as needy; while children obviously had needs as well, most aren’t quite as blatant when begging for it.

And then the filth- Oh God, the filth. I have seen a dog take a shit, take a big bite out of the shit, than proceed to rub its head into the foulest deeps of said shit. Obviously, dogs don’t know better- but as a human I do, and that shit is disgusting. But kids are just as heinous in this regard- when I was a toddler I used to crap myself like there was some sort of alchemist set in my Spider-Man drawers. On the plus side, however, most grow out of this phase, although some seem intrigued enough as to make it a career (see: Two Girls, One Cup). But that doesn’t justify anything- it just proves a point.

Probably the biggest gripe I have with the two, however, is life altering effect they have on their respective owner/ parent. I have gone to “dog parties” before and seen roughly ten people treat their dogs like they were fucking pharaohs. There are dogs, dogs, who have considerably higher annual grooming and nutritional costs than I do. If your life doesn’t considerably change when you have a child, you are doing something wrong- but it is still annoying to your friends when you brag about how your kid won a spelling bee or got a double in tee-ball. Guess what? Nobody gives a crapping crustacean if your kid can spell “paradigm,”⁴ and if he can’t hit the ball in tee-ball the only excuse is muscular dystrophy or mental impairment. And God forbid you ever criticize either a friend’s kid or dog, because in their mind you are indirectly criticizing them. People should not treat dogs like children or children like Gods.

So who wins this one? A pant-loaded, obnoxious Jonas Brothers-quoting tike in fifteen years can be a contributing, valuable part of society. In fifteen years, that precious puppy you have will most likely be dead. At least with kids you have something to look forward to.

1 That seems a little harsh- It’s not like I wanted to wake up to one of our pets vanished.

2 Notably my family’s Scottish Terrier named Rhett Butler (after Gone With the Wind) who was a complete bastard but in his twilight years would literally do nothing except nudge you for a slight tap and sit on our house’s central air-vent. For like weeks at a time. It’s like he finally became aware that if you are the pet of a loving household you practically have to do nothing except not violently attack or defecate on things.

3 Although, I shit you not, my mom did have a cat leash. This didn’t help my family’s reputation as “Crazy fucking rednecks who live on Oxford Circle.”

4 Although if the kid in question is ten or younger, that is pretty impressive.

Versus Number Sixteen

Street Fighter IV versus Chinese Democracy


Retro-80s is as dead as the American president that defined the original era- make way for the waves of slickly packaged 90s rehash. This isn’t inherently a bad thing- a zeitgeist shift in our current cultural climate can shine light on some of the lesser celebrated1 entities, whether it be the detached synth-rock of Devo that has led to a bevy of bands with a nerdiness=cool aesthetic or the tight female-worn spandex that proves to be the only motivator for one to go to the gym2. I for one never really found the reappreciation of the 80s to be tiresome, although there was clearly a cynical undertone to the late nights of listening to The Very Best of Daryl Hall & John Oates and lazy Sunday Police Academy viewings; a sort of condescending “I can’t believe anybody took this shit seriously” feel towards some of the 80s less-ambitious offerings.




But one of the charms of the reevaluation of 80s culture was that a lot of this stuff was new to me. Sure, I had heard of Rambo and RUN DMC, but as I was just starting grade school as the decade was wrapping up, I found myself part of the generation that back-lashed against the narcissistic, cigarette-boat-driving, coked to the pores excess of the 80s3. Even things that bleed artistic merit, such as the B-52s and The Breakfast Club, were deemed hollow by the decade that would idolize Kurt Cobain and Quentin Tarantino4. But, without getting too deep into the hypocrisies of the decadal divide, let me focus on the “versus” article between the comebacks of two of the 90s most lauded entities: Street Fighter and Guns N’ Roses.


History:


Street Fighter IV: While there are certainly more recognizable franchises in the video game canon, few had the epochal shock that Street Fighter II had when it hit arcades. With few exceptions, video-games up that point had relied on simple controls, minimalist graphics and sounds5, and the consumer’s desire to rack-up the highest amount of points. Street Fighter II changed that with technologies that allowed graphics to look comic-book quality, sound effects that helped shape characters’ personalities, an easy-to-learn-impossible-to-master fighting system that continues to complex and enthrall diehards, and a sense of character and story that made older games’ narrative (shooting other aliens from your alien ship) seem antiquated. The game would have massive success both metabolizing quarters in arcades and countless home console versions. Several variations of the game would be released that rarely did more besides give a new character here and there or a subtle visual difference, a formula they used to print money for roughly six years. While other Street Fighter franchises would be birthed out of II’s success, it became obvious that the gaming public, a nerdy-by-nature demographic, was growing jaded by Capcom’s obvious “going-to-the-well” financial philosophy. The game’s staggering popularity lead to many competitors, such as Mortal Kombat, which was essentially Street Fighter but with digitized graphics, uber-violent “Fatalities,” and an American sensibility that the Japanese-made Street Fighter was missing.



Plus, around this time was when the first generation of 3-d fighters, lead by the almost-flawless Virtua Fighter series started to stake their claim as the next franchise to beat in the video-game realm. It was obvious that Street Fighter needed to respond in a definitive way- instead, they gave Street Fighter III, a game that essentially was a rehash of II, except with a different cast of characters and a more fluid (but still 2-d) animation system. While hard-core fans to this day claim that III and its subsequent variations have the purest mechanics of any Street Fighter, it had become obvious that Street Fighter had gone from T-Rex to fossil within the course of a decade. The face of video-games had changed dramatically in the time from the last true Street Fighter and 2009- the fighting-game industry was still alive but not exactly prosperous. Why fight just one stereotypical Indian guy who blows fire when you can kill Liberty City’s police force and army reserves while taking breaks to get hummers in your stolen tank? Why take the hours to learn combos and the creases of a fighting engine when I can play Dinosaur Jr.’s “Feel The Pain” with a group of people? Is there even a place for a game like Street Fighter IV with peoples’ wallets and attention spans dropping at a correlating rate that makes the rate crack and crime rise seem coincidental?


Chinese Democracy- I refuse to try to sum up Guns n’ Roses rise to fame, power etc. in this piece because I don’t think I could do it justice. I recently just finished Slash, a 400ish page book mostly about Guns n’ Roses and while quite an impressive chronology of drug use and STDs, I never felt like the book was comprehensive enough to be considered a definitive history. And while a lot of these postings may give you the impression that they are door-stop size in length, they really aren’t. After Appetite for Destruction, an album which has a very sound argument for best Hard Rock album of all time, G n’ R went into a sort of creative stagnancy. This was mostly due to touring, Slash being a heroin addict and doing bizarre shit like taking care of his plethora of snakes, constant shuffling of the bands line up, and Axl Rose being Axl Rose. Axl Rose, for all of his apparent faults6 does have a very obvious quality- ambition. So, when Geffen were willing to open up the sack of gold for Guns to make their Who’s Next or Physical Graffiti, little did they know that Axl was fully aware of the leverage one gets with success, and his golden ticket (Appetite) was going to get him the materials and cash needed to record his double-album7 “masterpiece,” Use Your Illusion. While the album featured little of what made Guns so damn bad-ass in the first place, it did succeed at enough levels to be considered a great album. Take a white hot band, have them produce a very listenable if bloated album, completely take advantage of music videos as a way to sell records and shake- success was obvious. The stadium tour that followed was renown for some great shows, some no shows, and many, many late shows. Due to reasons whose scope range far wider than even this web-site addresses, the band would break up with Axl retaining the legal rights to the name Guns n’ Roses. Use Your Illusion was released in 1991. Though never completely leaving the social conscience, Guns failed to produce any original music (besides a better than people think album of covers) for the next 17 years until the mythical Chinese Democracy came out. It is argued that no other album this side of SMiLE by the Beach Boys had had periods where anticipation was at this level. Axl, with the help of a militia of musicians finally put the finishing touches of Democracy for release in 2008- it couldn’t have possibly have lived up to expectations, could it?




Test #1: Is it sentimental back-wash or a reverent look-back?


Street Fighter IV’s almost entire existence is based on one thing- the player has played the older Street Fighter games. The control schemes, characters, backgrounds, sounds, everything has been slightly tweaked while giving a well-due complete respect to the King of Fighters, Street Fighter II. While the game’s mythology itself has failed to grow with the modern philosophy that all is a shade of gray, there are tiny slices of a new social conscience present in the game.8 But really, in a game where I can fight one huge green demon looking mother-fucker against a professional wrestler who merely fights so that people will think professional wrestling is a legitimate fighting style9, the last thing I need is some Ivy League-lite take on human nature.


Chinese Democracy feels a little more like the former (because Axl Rose’s voice is instantly recognizable) at first, but ultimately redeems itself by not trying to be Appetite for Destruction II. Twenty-two years have passed since Guns came out with that album, and simply put, kids in their twenties are considerably better at fuming rage and generating chaos than a multi-millionaire who last time I saw was doing a song for an Arnie Schwarzenegger film. While the album bleeds passion, it is a more self-contained sort- an odd assessment for a record who supposedly has tracks where there are upwards of twenty guitar tracks playing simultaneously.


In the end, however, Chinese Democracy kind of just sounds like a new Guns n’ Roses album, whereas Street Fighter IV seems to appreciate the adage to go forward one must start from their past. In that regard, Street Fighter IV wins round one.


Test #2: Stepping Forward


In one of the few (maybe only) scathing review I read of IV, avclub.com’s reviewer essentially said it’s the same game you have been playing for the last two decades. When everything has settled, and one gets over the pristine graphics10, well designed, if still distastefully stereotyped new characters11, and few significant changes to the gameplay itself, the reviewer is completely right- if you didn’t like the series of games before, seeing Chun Li’s undies during a high kick in HD isn’t going to make you reevaluate your stance on the series. Nor is this movie:




Chinese Democracy has had quite the polarizing effect on people, and it is because of Axl’s ostensible desire to try something new with Guns’ music. While there are still a few ironic Axl-I-hate-faggots-Rose-yet-still-try-to-imitate-Elton-John-and-Freddy-Mercury-often piano based howls, Rose definitely tries new genres of music from electronic to Industrial to Jah-Ya-ish Hip-Hop to at least give the listener the knowledge that this collection of songs wasn’t merely left over from Illusion sessions or pieces that just needed a vocal from Slash’s Snakepit. While I have considerable gripes with the album (see below), I do view Axl Rose with a similar regard as I do Billy Corgan12- neither works well with others but both are willing to swing for the fences by taking potentially suicidal and obviously costly risks with their music. While I think everybody on the planet would probably like Appetite for the 21st century, Rose simply isn’t at that point in his musical career right now- he tried something new, with all the world watching no less, and should be applauded for the effort.


Winner: Chinese Democracy


Test #3: Quality of work


Modern video games demand much time and effort from the user. Consider Grand Theft Auto IV, arguably the greatest piece of entertainment software ever created- I played and beat the game while mostly avoiding the optional side-missions and I think it still took me near the fifty hour mark to complete it. Street Fighter is structurally different in this regard- the game is built for a quick duel, usually of the 100 second variety. That being said, I don’t remember the last time I spent as much time playing a game as I did Street Fighter IV. The game has now become what you have to imagine the developers wanted in their first try- a battle between quick-wits and reflexes with strategy that could only really be compared to a chess match (cliché, I know). Everything, from the graphics, to a fighting engine that fluently flirts between intuitive and labyrinthine, to the screw-ball Japanese aesthetic is phenomenal. While I’m not sure this type of game will appeal to the new generation of gamers who expect immediate satisfaction, for a 18 year veteran13, it is perfection. I’m not saying Street Fighter IV is the best game I have ever played; it isn’t. I am saying that there are no other games in existence that make grab onto you with a glee that can only be compared to getting stung by a sentimentality-spreading mosquito14.


One can not talk about Chinese Democracy without at least mentioning the old-dog-lifetime it took to release it and the anticipation that gained and waned as a result of the wait. I have to say I was pleasantly surprised by a lot of the choices Axl made. While some of the songs come across as forced and sound like they are Guns songs only because they are played by a band called Guns n’ Roses, Rose clearly has a swagger that can electrify when he is in his element. The reason David Bowie is often regarded as one of the best pop musicians of all time is because his ability to somehow weld thresholds- take a listen to “Station to Station” sometime- it will take two hands to count the number of genres. Axl, however, lacks this ability. While some tracks, such as “Street of Dreams,” remind one of a time where Axl was on the cover of every music magazine in the Western Hemisphere, forays into uncharted territory spawn very “meh” results. It certainly isn’t bad- the album as a whole is listenable and there are times when you are almost take comfort with the fact that if he makes an album in the next three years it will be ground-breaking. Maybe Chinese Democracy should be viewed as a cathartic exercise in that regard. But there is no question that the only sales this album will accrue are Guns fans- the music is too dated and arrogant to be considered top 40 Rock, not clever enough to be beheld by the indie rock crowd. What has become obvious over the last five or so years is that Slash and Axl have a semiotic relationship- Slash, with his mastering of blues rock and Axl with his sense of ambition mashed together helped work the kinks that both respective genres typically have.




Conclusion: Initially I wanted to simply write ‘Street Fighter IV’ here because it is simply better than Mr. Rose’s latest attempt at modern relevance. But, the way music ages and the way games age are naturally very different- games, due to their dependence on newer technologies have a newest “greatest of all time” nearly annually. While views on music may change as the medium itself does, the basic premise of rock music- guitar, drums, vocals, et al, probably won’t change as much as the video game medium will in the next twenty years (see: Nintendo Wii), and is why The Beatles, Bob Dylan, and the aforementioned Thin White Duke have a longevity that no game- besides maybe Tetris- ever will. Chinese Democracy does get points for making a huge, sprawling, ambitious Rock album- it just happens to suck in comparison to the basic, beautiful, sentimental Street Fighter IV. Winner: Street Fighter IV.



1 Or in the case of the 80s, the more mocked.

2 And to any girl that I have been checking out while doing the bench-press, I have to thank you for making my max about twenty pounds heavier.

3 This proves to be hilariously ironic to me for the simple reason that it wasn’t like that the 90’s and 00’s have been such modest times in our history either.

4 Again, ironic, due to the amount of excess these two are identified with.

5 Complete tangent, but if you do dig the sounds of the these games as much as I did/do, I suggest checking out the musical stylings of Crystal Castles and The Advantage- the former is more a synth-based pop group where the other uses old themes from games and jams them like they were they were their own- sounds like a shaky premise, but both deliver.

6 Can’t tell you that for sure- never met the guy- though I would suggest for him to get those hideous fucking dred-locks off of his head. Also, it is literally impossible to look cool if you are fighting Tommy fucking Hilfiger- get with it man.

7 Although they sold them as two different albums. No matter the production costs, one must imagine that after G n’ R held the number one and two albums on the Billboard charts (the only group to ever do that), they got their cash back. As a fan, I’m appalled, as a businessman, I applaud.

8 Take Seth, the final boss, and his uncanny similarity in appearance, power, and attitude to Dr. Manhattan from Watchmen.

9 Nope, no fucking sense, whatsoever

10 Just watching Ryu throw his fireball still impresses me

11 These include but are not limited to “El Fuego” the Mexican luche-libre wrestler and Rufus, the obese American with a taste for motorcycles, fast-food, and big breasted fighter-groupies.

12 I have officially lost half of my friends

13 God knows what constructive things I can have been doing with my time if not playing.

14 Probably better than the ones spreading ebola.

Another Delay

After a very refreshing and informative two weeks of vacation, I am currently trying to assemble some top ten lists for my favorite things of 2008, a year that went by far too quickly. While I try to focus long enough on doing that and avoiding the numerous pitfalls inherent in trying to catch up with what happened on the internet for the last half month, here's Terry.